It Used to Be So Easy

 March 27, 2023

My how times have changed! I am looking over this "old" blog which I have not visited for many years. My heart is warmed by these daily stories I wrote, maybe for myself. I forgot about these lovely times.

Today, Sophie is 18, soon to be 19, and in her second semester of being away at college in New York. We moved to Washington State right before she started her Senior Year of high school, which was unbelievably difficult for her.

Vivian is left here, alone, without her sister, and is now a Junior in high school. She and I don't always get along. It seems that we, as parents, have rules and expectations, and she can not figure out how to meet these expectations.

It was very easy, in the old days, to type up cute anecdotes about the sweet things these little girls did. But it is not so easy to even think about, less live through, these teenage years. The reality is painful enough. Why would I want to subject myself to writing it down?

Yet I feel I must. As a record for any other parents out there, who could feel less alone. And as a record for the culprits themselves, who may one day look back and read these tales with horror and shame. 

Vivian and I had been left alone for two months while Dad worked a job in another country. This means I drive her 24 miles one way to school daily, at 7am, for 8am start. It also means that sometimes I can take sub jobs at various elementary schools near her school. It's very convenient. 

I literally have to drive her everywhere she needs to go. She recently got her license, but for reasons which may become apparent to the reader later, she will not be granted any of our vehicles to drive on her own. 

Her sister arrived home a couple Thursdays ago, for Spring Break. We were overjoyed to see her. However, Sister's Spring Break did not coincide with our own Spring Break, so we still had to take V to school daily. Still it was wonderful to see her. 

Joyfully, Dad then arrived home from his two-month stint the following Tuesday. That morning, on our way to take V to school, she put on some music that I did not care for. When I asked if we had to listen to that music, she got very snitty.

"Well, WHAT would YOU LIKE to LISTEN to, THEN?" she demanded, in a nasty tone.

I calmly explained that I'd like to listen to some new music, perhaps an album, like the new Sam Smith. 

"NOT SAM SMITH!" with an eye roll to wake sleeping gods.

"Well, then, I guess it will definitely be Sam Smith," I calmly replied.

She grabbed her phone, and while I drove, began madly texting. Of course it was about me. Then my phone went "Ding!"

She texted me: OMM that FUCKING BITCH.

Sophie remained silent in the back seat.

I remained silent. As the sounds of Sam Smith played, silent tears fell down my cheeks. I cried because I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry that a child I loved so dearly would call me that. I felt sorry that I have a monster for a daughter. I felt sorry. Just sorry. I felt very sorry for myself that she exhibited this behavior while I was in the act of providing her transportation to her school. I felt sorry for the mother/daughter relationship I wished we had, but didn't.

She saw me crying and felt bad. "Mom? Please don't cry."

I didn't respond. 

After a few minutes, I told her she could leave her cell phone in the car. She wouldn't be needing it.

"But how will I text you about after school?"

She would have to figure it out. I could not let her keep the tool which she used to hurt me with, which I owned and which I paid for monthly. 

Tomorrow will be one week since we took her phone away. Her sister has returned to college in New York. Her dad has been home for almost one week. 

She needs the phone for many things. She needs updates about lacrosse practice on the TeamSnap app.

She needs to login to her Starbucks work app so she can see what shifts she is scheduled for.

She needs to text her friends at school to arrange rides to work/lacrosse practice.

Sunday, she had her work time wrong and showed up late. However, she slept on the couch all morning, and didn't bother to look at her phone at all to doublecheck the work schedule. She "thought" it was 3:45 but it was 3:15. She was late. 

Sadly, this is not the first time she has screwed up her work schedule. 

She has also burnt bridges with two of her friends. I mention this because one friend, Octavia, used to give her rides to work, and let her stay at her house until work time.

Another friend, Elle, is the sister of Sophie's boyfriend. But one day, V and her friends made fun of Elle's boyfriend, and Elle felt very hurt V didn't speak out against the boys making fun of Elle's boyfriend. Elle still feels betrayed by that and doesn't want much to do with V. V is mean to her "friends" and often claims they are "oversensitive". She used to be able to hang out at Elle's house, but not anymore. 

All this means that I don't know what she will do or how she will waste time until her work begins at 5:15pm tomorrow. Her school gets out at 2:30pm. 

I continue to hope she will outgrow her poor judgment and begin to be responsible and trustworthy. 

One more thing: she loves lacrosse and wishes to play on an elite team called Top Left. It costs $3400 to play on this team. They have tournaments on the East Coast over the summer in July. College coaches are there. 

This is a big investment for someone who acts like a jerk to her mother. 

She has agreed to pay the $500 deposit.

May 13, 2013

Kids Update:

Today Daddy went to Vivian’s class where they were studying manufacturing and factories and gave a talk about the old days when he worked at Cisco.

This weekend, on Saturday night before Mother’s Day, Sophie’s 7^th tooth came out. It was an eye tooth.  Vivian already lost her 7^th tooth some months ago, but her other eye tooth was loose. Once Sophie’s tooth came out, she really wanted to pull this loose one out. They both wanted the tooth fairy to come in the night before Mother’s Day.

They made me some paper chains and beautiful cards. We went to Family Fun Day at their school – they climbed the rock climbing wall and swam. Later we met some friends for dinner.

 I subbed in the after school yoga class for K-2 graders. Both Vivi and Sophie are in that class. They just love yoga and I am so grateful. I really hope they can learn some coping mechanisms and tuning into peace for themselves that I did not learn growing up.

For the past 2 weekends, the  girls have been invited to birthday parties but haven’t had fun at them. They were both 3^rd grade boys in Sophie’s class and it was tempting to let them go because the parties were in our neighborhood. The first party was for an adopted Liberian boy named Gift who is very spoiled and impulsive. They reported that he told them he wasn’t going to invite them to his parties anymore.

The party this weekend ended up with Vivian having a bruised and possibly fractured heel bone.  She jammed her heel onto a ledge and then continued to run on it. They play chase a lot at this age with the boys and she said she was scared of the boys catching her and beating her up so she continued to run even though her foot hurt. When we picked her up, she was limping. The next day, Mother’s Day, we took her into town to get an xray.

The doctor told us to go back to the waiting room and wait while he called the xray tech. I figured he was in the next room. But what he really meant was that he had to call him on the phone to come in. Lord only knows how long THAT would take. We asked the doctor what the outcome would be if we discovered there was a fracture. He said he would put a cast on if necessary, or else just tape it. My husband had already taped it. Then he told us, with a bit of an attitude, that he told us it would be 20 minutes til the tech came.

I’m sorry, no you did not. You said Wait and I will call him. But he never told us any time frame. We ended up leaving because we didn’t want to waste our entire day. We are keeping her heel wrapped and she is doing OK.

How many more days til Easter?

This is a question I am getting several times per day now. I try not to be irritated, but honestly, Viv knows the answer. I think it is a case of when you are little, you just like to be told things over and over, like stories.

We were watching American Idol today and there was some guy on there named Casey somebody performing. He might have been an ex-contestant. He had his hair in a bun (!) and a scraggly looking beard. Vivian said, "Mom, I do not expect that man has a wife!"

She read me two stories tonight from her Classic Fairy Tales book. She loves to read and is even doing voices and reading with expression. It tickles me to no end.

Sophie is spending the night at Inbar's house. Inbar spent the night with us last night. Since it was Good Friday Eve, traffic was horrific and Inbar's mom told me it took her an hour to move 1km. She asked if Inbar could spend the night at the last minute because the traffic was so horrible.

What is the big deal about Good Friday Eve, you ask? Most children in Uganda, if they go to school at all, go to boarding school. The reason for this is that it cuts down on the parent responsibility of having to arrange transportation and food each day for a child. Children are sent off to BS at age 6-8. They come home only for 3 breaks per year. Christmas, Easter and a month before fall term. But mostly they go all year.

Thursday night all  the locals are getting their kids from boarding school for the 4 day weekend that will last thru Easter Monday. They will send the kids back to school on Tuesday after Easter Monday. Whenever boarding school is beginning or ending, traffic is a hot mess here.

Since we are all alone, Vivi is in my bed. So long as she keeps to her own side, I really don't mind.  The woman who waxes me said her first born daughter wanted to sleep with her up til the age of 15!  Especially when she would come home from boarding school. That does not give me much hope.

By the way, we leave for our first trip to Turkey in a few more days. The girls are super excited. You would think they are going to Disneyland!  They are about to jump out of their skin. I got the SpaceBag down from the top of the closet and had them try on pants and shirts to see if any warm clothes still fit.

Vivi does not want to wear any dresses or any bright colors. She basically wants to wear anything that looks like boy clothes. That reminds me. The other day, she told me she was going to marry a girl, because then she wouldn't have to have a baby.

I am scared to ask where this logic comes from, because to the best of my knowledge, she wouldn't know the technicalities of where a baby comes from anyway.

The good news is that they have plenty of warmish clothes to wear in Turkey. It is supposed to be beautiful spring weather - 45-61 degrees. Just perfect.

Their friend Inbar is Israeli and it was really cute hearing them tell her what she was going to miss about Easter. They really wanted to share Easter with her. We did an egg hunt with her for fun yesterday. But they said, "It is so fun when the Easter bunny leaves a jelly bean trail!"  "And you won't get any chocolate or Easter basket?"  They were devastated to know this won't happen to their friend.

Another topic that came up in the car ride today was, "Why do so many people in the world not like Israeli's?"  If only I had an answer for that. It was also very cute to hear Inbar recite for us the story of Passover. The girls were captivated by it.

Vivian was troubled by why the whole world is only celebrating Christian holidays and not Jewish  ones.  But I assured her it depends on where you live, and reminded  her that in Zanzibar, we were there over Ramadan, and people were definitely celebrating there.

Holiday Schedule

The girls and I came up with a schedule for our days since they are on a two week break and there may be no travel in sight!  We made the schedule just like what they have in school. Every hour is a new activity. The schedule goes like this:
8am - Breakfast
9am - Exercise and Meditation
10am - Workbooks
11am - Piano practice / Art
12noon - Lunch
1pm - Outside play
2pm - Movie / Games
3pm - Pool
4pm - Chores

So far, so good.

Also, Viv has been fighting a viral infection of some sort. It started with fever on Saturday. The fever cycles up and down. She has periods of being tired and just laying on the couch, complaining of headache and dizziness, interspersed with periods of being her normal crazy self- laughing, joking, making annoying sounds.
Yesterday, she begged for ice cream so I told her that if she wanted ice cream, we would have to walk to get it. It's about 1/2 mile each way. She said her back felt hot and cold. I'm not sure what that means, but she has complained of this before.
Last night was the worst. She felt like a hot coal laying in the bed. I took her temp between her legs and just on skin it registered 101.8!  This morning, she was a normal temperature.
I know that if I take her to the doctor, they are not going to be able to diagnose anything. There is no symptom that shows a bacterial infection and without bacterial infection, they will not give her any medicine.
She also complained of pokey feelings in her stomach. This makes me think she could have a parasite or amoeba. Amoebas are common ailments here in Africa. However, without a stool sample, they will not diagnose her with amoeba.
Children are commonly getting these fevers without any accompanying symptoms. It has been 3 full days. We are on Day 4. I hope the worst is over.
I will go to the pharmacy today and get her Gabbroral, which is a medicine for the gut and cures any kind of stomach/amoeba issues. I gave her my last Gabbroral yesterday.
Daddy is on another trip. He came back last Thursday night, and left again on Saturday night.
They are doing their workbooks now. :D

Talent Show

One more thing to report that happened while I was gone:

Sophie found a tick on her stomach and pulled it off. This was her first tick here in Africa. There are lots of ticks especially because there are cows and we have dogs that get ticks a lot.

Also, the school has a talent show every year. They open auditions by grade. Last year they chose 2 acts from each grade. This year, they are only choosing one act per grade. Auditions for 1st gr happened while I was gone. Vivian entered a watercolor painting and won the audition for first grade! The principal has asked that Vivian bring in a small collection of her artwork and we display it for the talent show. I was shocked and thrilled. She is a brilliant artist, but I had no hand in this at all. Also, she was chosen by a group of her peers.No adults were involved in the decision.

Sophie and her best friend Inbar also prepared a song for their 3rd grade auditions. They sang Jordin Sparks One Step at a Time. They came in 2nd place to an African boy who can dance just like Michael Jackson.  The French teacher, in charge of Student Council, said that their act was very good, and they will have a chance to perform it sometime, if not at the Talent Show. The only thing I did was to download the backtrack. My husband printed off the lyrics for them and they memorized them on their own. I coached them just a small bit.

I am pleased and proud at both girls' self-motivation and am glad the school encourages these types of events, outside the normal curriculum of reading, writing and arithmetic.

Vivian Love and Another Tooth Lost

I recently went on a trip to the US. I was gone for 12 days. I had to leave for the airport 10pm, well after the girls' bedtime. However, they would not go to sleep. Especially Vivian. She was insane with depression.  I kissed her goodnight and goodbye, but she was hyperventilating and could not stop crying.

"Buh-hut (gasp) Mah (gasp) meeee (gasp), I (gasp) don't (gasp) want (gasp) you  (gasp) to (gasp) gooooo!" she wailed.

"I'll be gone just a few days and besides, you are going to have so much fun with Daddy. He'll cook yummy food for you, he'll play lacrosse with you, you can do archery with him. . . " I tried to console her.

"Buh-hut (gasp) I (gasp) only (gasp) like (gasp) YOU (gasp) taking (gasp) care (gasp) of (gasp) uuusss!" she wailed on.

" You are very very tired and when you get tired, you get upset. Now I want you to lay here and calm down, take some deep breaths and close your eyes. You need your sleep because you have school tomorrow," I explained.

She asked me to lay with her. So I relented. For about 5 minutes. But the minute I tried to leave, the hyperventilating started all over again. I realized that me staying in the bed with her or not was not going to make any difference. I had to go.

She begged for one last kiss and hug. I left the room to the sound of her sobbing.

My husband said he was not looking forward to the morning. When she was a baby, and we had similar instances of her not going to sleep, we would let her cry it out. However, when she woke up, she would begin crying all over again, as if she picked up where she left off!

However, when the morning came, she got up and was cheerful as usual.

I have now been  back for almost one week. Her right eye tooth came out
at school this week when she bit a Lemon Drop candy her dad asked me to bring back from the US. She got to keep her tooth in a small  treasure box they give out at the school nurse. At 6 years old, she has now lost 7 teeth and is one tooth ahead of her sister who is getting ready to turn 9. They have both lost the bottom 4 and top front teeth, but now Vivian has lost an eye tooth.

The tooth fairy brought her pastels, a Magic School Bus book about Fall Leaves and a golden dollar coin.

Every day that I have been back, Vivian tells me how much she loves me and how happy she is that I am back. She tells me she loves having me for a mommy. She is so expressive of her love for me.

Tonight, we were doing water colors and she asked if she could listen to her CD of Bible stories.

Bad Dream

It was just about time for me to wake up when I heard some choked sobs coming from the hallway. The sobs made their way into my room.

"I had a bad dream Mommy!" she cried. It was Sophie. She was wearing only underwear, and climbed into the bed with us. My husband comforted her.

"I dreamed that I got arrested and they took me away from you and I didn't wanna be away from you!" she explained through her tears.

It's times like these when I am grateful my daughters still need me. I cherish them wanting to snuggle in bed with me.

Even though she is 8 years old and very very tall, she has only been on this earth for 8 short years. I love being her mom and am glad she still needs me.